CSM's TOP 10 Rules to Life,

Great post on Facebook. Thought I would share. 

Dailey's top 10 to SGMs, in his own words:

No. 1. Yelling doesn’t make you skinny. PT does.

If you’re not out there saluting the flag every morning at 6:30, you can automatically assume your soldiers are not. Soldiers don’t care if you’re in first place. They just want to see you out there. This is a team sport.

PT might not be the most important thing you do that day, but it is the most important thing you do every day in the United States Army. The bottom line is, wars are won between 6:30 and 9.

No. 2. Think about what you’re going to say before you say it. 

I’ve never regretted taking the distinct opportunity to keep my mouth shut.

You’re the sergeant major. People are going to listen to you.

By all means, if you have something important or something informative to add to the discussion, then say it. But don’t just talk so people can hear you. For goodness sake, you’re embarrassing the rest of us. Sit down and listen. Sometimes you might just learn something.

No. 3. If you find yourself having to remind everyone all of the time that you’re the sergeant major and you’re in charge, you’re probably not.

That one’s pretty self-explanatory.

No. 4.You have to work very hard at being more informed and less emotional.

Sergeants major, I’ll put it in simple terms: Nobody likes a dumb loudmouth. They don’t.

Take the time to do the research. Learn how to be brief. Listen to people, and give everyone the time of day. Everyone makes mistakes, even sergeants major, and you will make less of them if you have time to be more informed.

No. 5.If you can’t have fun every day, then you need to go home.

You are the morale officer. You don’t have to be everyone’s friend, but you do have to be positive all the time. The sergeant major is the one everyone looks to when it’s cold, when it’s hot, when it’s raining, or things are just going south. Your job is to keep the unit together. That’s why you’re there. The first place they will look when things go bad is you, and they will watch your reaction.

No. 6. Don’t be the feared leader. It doesn’t work.

If soldiers run the other way when you show up, that’s absolutely not cool.

Most leaders who yell all the time, they’re in fact hiding behind their inability to effectively lead.

Soldiers and leaders should be seeking you, looking for your guidance, asking you to be their mentors on their Army career track, not posting jokes about you on the 'Dufflebag blog'. That’s not cool. Funny, but it’s not cool.

No. 7. Don’t do anything — and I mean anything — negative over email.

You have to call them. Go see them in person. Email’s just a tool. It’s not a substitute for leadership. It’s also permanent.

You’ve all heard it. Once you hit ‘send,’ it’s official, and you can never bring it back. Automatically assume that whatever you write on email will be on the cover of the Army Times and all over Facebook by the end of the week. Trust me, I know this personally.

No. 8. It’s OK to be nervous. All of us are. 

This happens to be my favorite. It came from my mother. My mom always used to tell me that if you’re not nervous on the first day of school, then you’re either not telling the truth, you either don’t care, or you’re just plain stupid. [Being nervous] makes you try harder. That’s what makes you care more.

Once that feeling is gone, once you feel like you have everything figured out, it’s time to go home, because the care stops.

Don’t do this alone. You need a battle buddy. You need someone you can call, a mentor you can confide in. Don’t make the same mistakes someone else has made. Those are the dumb mistakes. Don’t do this alone.

No. 9. If your own justification for being an expert in everything you do is your 28 years of military experience, then it’s time to fill out your 4187 [form requesting personnel action] and end your military experience.

Not everything gets better with age, sergeants major. You have to work at it every day. Remember, you are the walking textbook. You are the information portal. Take the time to keep yourself relevant.

No. 10. Never forget that you're just a soldier.

That’s all you are. No better than any other, but just one of them.

You may get paid a little more, but when the time comes, your job is to treat them all fair, take care of them as if they were your own children, and expect no more from them of that of which you expect from yourself.

What if Superman

Pack that Punch

What if Superman sat down and said to Lex Luther, “I really don’t appreciate it when you try to kill me Lex.” “It there a way we can end this conflict without killing each other?” Desperately Superman looks into the eyes of his nemesis, struggling to understand why such an intelligent man can’t come to grips with the fact that the all powerful super being in front of him will not be defeated. Yet he still continues decade after decade to destroy him. How often are we faced with a similar dilemma? Our arch enemy won’t just agree with us! Usually it’s not as dramatic, but we feel like it is.

Age of Empires

In the age where heroes are portrayed with more humanistic qualities, they lack the more popular politically correct ways to end conflict. Conversation that gives to peaceful resolutions without bloodshed, flattened cities, or devastated eco systems. Yet minds of writers, artists, and Hollywood and the Department of Defense tell us that at the end of the day you might just have to Nuke EM!

In the political realm Democrats and Republicans see each other in the same stereotypical light; one is the fist and the other the mouth, eastern civilization vs. the western more modern way of thinking. The United States is Rome and everywhere else is…well…just everywhere else. The Kardashians Vs. the world, and Vamps, Ware wolfs, blacks, whites, African and not, Native and naive it continues.

Sadly there is no end… unless the seals are broken the Four Horseman of Apocalypse arrive and put an end to conflict…with…more conflict.

But let’s digress, some of us, wish to achieve radical change here on earth. We want the utopia of civilization. In order to get there somehow we all have to put our imaginary swords down, sit in a circle and talk.

Let’s Win Together

            I like the idea of Win-Win. It seems so much better than any other only because there’s no real loser. And let’s face it, having a draw is losing and that really doesn’t solve anything. If you walk away a loser resentment builds, and we all know where that leads…to the Dark side!

            Sadly I haven’t experienced this situation; I believe it’s the unicorn of conflict resolutions. It is only to be given to the few enchanted one’s who don’t seem to deserve the grace that the unicorn befalls on them. Because after all it is grace.

            Winning feels good. I feel like I win, when I allow an opponent beat me or give in. I know I could have won, yet by laying down my power, means that I’m just as strong without it. If more people felt this way we could have more Win-Wins.

            A win-win is a solution that each party is happy with. Each party becomes committed to the solution and or resolution to the conflict. Each party may compromise or find a completely satisfactory solution that neither thought of.

            Most Win-Wins aren’t really win-wins. Most are draws, the “agree to disagrees.” To truly be a win-win both you and your “conlflicteer”, should find a solution that you are satisfied with. And we know satisfied, it’s like the end of a good meal… your full and happy.

I see a solution

            In order to move forward in conflict first we need grace, then we need to change our perspective. We don’t have to give up our ground or even our viewpoint. We need to be able to understand the others. This will allow us to find a solution that truly answers the question, “Can we find a peaceful resolution we are both happy with?”

            As we look at the other’s view of the conflict, we may find out why they are so determined to keep it and fight for it. Let’s look at Lex and Superman again. Lex was bent on destroying Superman, mostly because he couldn’t control him. Superman was supposed to represent the purist of ideals. But yet he couldn’t come to grip with Lex Luther desiring a life without Super beings. Lex didn’t think he belonged there.

            In our own conflicts we desire one view, one religion, one law, one government. But as a community and a people we disagree. It’s even amazing that our own version of Government has lasted this long, only because Washington is filled with unresolved conflict.

            Get past the argument, and recognize it before it starts. Try to see ahead of time that you not going to completely agree and be the first to realize you’re going to need to find an alternate solution. Involve a third perspective, that doesn’t agree with either of you.

            The most powerful people aren’t the ones who have their way, they are the ones who can resolve conflict. A CEO, President, or General couldn’t hold their position without knowing how to not just put out the fire, but use the ones around them to put it out.

            Lead from the front, and “Let Cooler Heads Prevail,” because that is what will get you to a Win-Win.

           

References

J.T. Wood, Interpersonal Communication, (2010) Communication and Personal Identity pg 233

History of Superman, retrieved from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_Superman on 3/28/2012

Grace is Sufficient for Me

The King James Version of the Holy Bible states in Romans Chapter 5 verses 1-2, “Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand…” In Galatians Chapter 5 verse 4, “Christ is become of no effect unto you, whosoever of you are justified by the law; ye are fallen from grace.” The most powerful examples of grace in this context are that God gives grace and it’s made only possible from Jesus Christ and no other. The gift of salvation is attainable to anyone who is willing to walk away from a life of sin. Grace allows unmerited mercy to fall upon the undeserving.

 

Kindness…the friendly weapon

   In the New Testament, grace is translated from the Greek word “charis”, which is pronounced khar’-ece. Strong’s Concordance defines grace as, “the state of kindness and favor towards someone, often with a focus on a benefit given to the object.”  A related Greek word to charis is charisma (gracious gift). Charis and Charisma were originated from another Greek word chairo. Chairo is to rejoice, be glad, delighted.

Grace is a gift. In areas of conflict it’s difficult to extend Grace to someone who isn’t on your side, it’s even more difficult when you are offended. Grace is unearned and un-required kindness. It’s the most powerful actions one can take, the most powerful weapon against conflict.

What better way to dissolve a situation then to use grace? Where can I use it? How do I use it? How about any time and any where? Grace is as easily accessible as your wallet. Pull it out and change your perspective. Is this argument worth winning? What gain will I have here?

Extending grace to someone is letting go of judgments, blame and anger. Letting go of these feelings allow us to step back and see what’s important. Is this relationship worth throwing away just because of this one conflict?

On the other hand we say we forgive, but later remind that person of their mistake, if we forgive why bring it back.

Letting go of offenses is hard, if it was easy we simply would. But we are tainted with a memory that re-occurs, and pain is easily remembered. I recently had a conversation with my wife about an old van we had. We didn’t have kids and bought the vehicle because we were helping a family member get out of debt and we needed the vehicle. I jokingly said how much I missed the van (knowing how much it cost us in repairs and paying it off). My wife quickly said how much she didn’t miss it because of the “many” problems we had.

No mystery machine here!

I thought about it and said how many? She only could list off 5. I laughed and began to share about all the cool trips we took in it all over the west. The places we discovered together and the places I took her for the first time in California.

She soon agreed that the van was ok.

Letting go of pain isn’t impossible. That is where grace allows us to extend forgiveness to anyone we come across. When we become examples of grace we give hope out, to show others that we don’t have to win arguments, we don’t have to be justified, we can be kind and gentle. We can get along without stereotypes, hypocrisies, or judgments.

All of us are capable of wounding each other, we all have. None of us are without blame or fault. Therefore how can we not extend grace? Many times we don’t want to be the first, but I do.

It’s almost a sense of joy to be allowed the first to extend grace. To be able to stand there and allow someone to see what grace can be, what it can look like. To be that example of hope in someone’s eyes is the greatest humanitarian and Christ like action you can take.

It’s always appropriate to extend grace. By forgiving others of their offense allows us to be free of the burden of pain. But by not extending grace we chain ourselves to that event, and we never leave. We are bonded there, and every time we are reminded of that event, that person becomes a part of us. Were haunted by our inability to forgive and re-live the pain we refuse to let go.

Who wants that? To relive and feel that pain associated with an event that hurt so bad. I would rather be filled with joy, happiness and kindness. I want to smile; I don’t want to live in the darkness of depression, resentment or even hate. That is where un-forgiveness will take you.

Manage a conflict by realizing there is no winner. Accepting other’s for whom they are, and not what they are. We are all “sinners.” And none of us are without blame.

References

J.T. Wood, Interpersonal Communication, (2010) Communication and Personal Identity pgs 246-247

Holy Bible, King James Version (2012), Romans 5:1-2, Galatians 5:4

Strong, James (2001), The Strongest Strong's Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible, Zondervan,

Helping me, help me!

While spending years in the United State Army, it was clear, that clear communication was the most important asset we had. An M16 A2 Rifle was useless if you didn’t know which direction to point it, or who to shoot. We gain this information with different forms of communication, and in the Army it was usually a code. For example, we knew not to shoot you if you answered a security question correctly. First there’s a challenge, then there’s the answer. The code to know is the word blue. See if you can follow the conversation; Guard: “Halt! The skies are fair in the fall.” Person: “Yes, it’s a pretty shade of blue during this time of year.” No the Guard knows the Person is a “friendly” and won’t shoot him.

Don’t shoot!

   Yelling out don’t shoot doesn’t work. The need to “Build a Confirming Climate is important in order to stay alive here. In my example, a few sentences in the Army, hold more meaning then average. Staying calm and remembering your communication training is absolute.

   In my example, a soldier was approached and challenged. While there was a lot of tension on both sides each person had to stay focused and speak clearly. Patience is going to be the best ally here, while you take the time to send a clear message without escalating the tension or emotions. Building a confirming climate is critical here, this way both parties can understand each other and move to the next step of their communication. This is why I believe this is one of the most valuable guidelines, having a level plane on which to communicate is crucial for understanding each other.

   Respecting Diversity in Relationships is another guideline that is crucial in all walks of life. In the Army I worked with many races and cultures. My unit has Mexican, Spanish, and Korean. We also had black and white Americans. I only say this because my black friends didn’t consider themselves “African American.” They considered themselves American, they weren’t even sure if their family came from Africa and didn’t assume just because they were black they were from Africa.

   This changed my opinion of how we classify races and cultures. And that the stereo typical “politically correct” way of saying these things wasn’t accurate and not everyone agreed with it. Really we need to tread lightly around cultures and races, because even in smaller groups we all don’t agree on how our culture or race should be identified or even communicated with.

Slang in some circles is perfectly acceptable but in the same culture in an older range it’s not. Certain curse words are tolerated with younger American’s while older American’s still find them all offensive.

Single relationships can change over time. At times we want to be close and other times we want distance. It’s these fluxuations that evolve relationships, and can damage them. One person may take offense to the other who wants space. It’s only a matter to respect each other and the range of the way we interact with each other. If we do that, and communicate our grievances in a positive way we’ll get through to each other.

   Affirm and Asserting Yourself is another guide that can and will help you in the work place. By establishing who you are, you’re letting people know you exist. You gain value around people and show to others you matter. Giving yourself a voice in relationships allows others to know who you are and what you stand for. You’re really giving them a chance to understand, respect and honor your own needs, preferences and the ways you interact with others.

Asserting yourself doesn’t mean you put your needs above others, (which people thing at times.) it means you clearly state what you believe to be right or how you feel. You don’t have to disrespect another’s view or their idea. Simply state yours and put it out there. You be surprised to see how others may change their mind, especially if you have good reasoning behind what you believe.

   It is possible that these guidelines can help, but only in practice. Realizing that others won’t have the same insight as you will play a large role in knowing whether or not you’re a success. Evaluate the situation and see how other’s react to you and you will know whether or not you’re putting these practices into good use. It’s a good idea to wear patience like a shirt. It’s only a matter of time before you notice the changes you have learned. Don’t be alarmed when someone says how diplomatic you’ve become!

References

J.T. Wood, Interpersonal Communication, (2010) Communication and Personal Identity pgs 210-212

Score Card

 Nonverbal communications is how we communicate without using words. Our face, gestures, or touch can all send messages. Other forms of nonverbal communication can me materialistic such as; clothes, tattoos, jewelry, objects, or artifacts. It’s possible to communicate just about anything without the use of words. If I’m driving down the street in a beat up car, that’s smokes, backfires, and smells funny, someone may believe I’m poor, don’t care about my belongings and so forth.

I’m not sure if I adequately scored myself. I found that I may have not been true to myself, but I believe that depending on the subject matter I may score differently. I scored an 89. Which I thought was low considering how others averaged. I’m also probably older than the average college student (I’m 31). So that may have been a factor as well.

How does language:

Allow self-reflection?

            I didn’t expect these results. According to the results I’m very immediate. I find that sometimes I can be a bit indirect depending on the subject matter. If I’m talking to another women I find that I won’t keep direct eye contact, in fact it’s almost awkward to me if we “lock eye’s,” (because I’m married.)

“Recent psychological research has revealed that college students who look at a two second video clip of a professor teaching can predict how students who spend an entire semester with that professor will like the professor by the end of the semester.”

Citation: Hogan, K., Stubbs, R. (2003). Can’t get Through 8 Barriers to Communication. Grenta, LA: Pelican Publishing Company. 

Why or Why Not?

            I don’t always feel like a direct talker, unless it’s a subject I’m very versed in or confident in. Most of the time I’m a really good listener, I learn a lot from people by letting them talk. I do enjoy teaching classes and have no problems getting in front of people. In the end I feel a little mixed about the results, I figured I would have been in the middle.

References

J.T. Wood, Interpersonal Communication, (2010) Communication and Personal Identity pgs 121-144

Hogan, K., Stubbs, R. (2003). Can’t get Through 8 Barriers to Communication. Grenta, LA: Pelican Publishing Company.       

Words are symbols of objects, people and places. Weather in a fantasy world or real life, they describe, give meaning and action to everything. Without them we are left with other forms of communication like sign language or pictures. Hearing words is special, and being able to form a language is great. The word Love is a symbol of both action and emotion. Because he loved her he ran to her.  Love shows us why he ran, and how he felt. The same sentence without the symbol of love; because he ran to her. Taking out love changed the symbolic meaning and thus poses the question; what did you say?

What did you say?

It is easy to say words, and even easier to say what we want. But at times it’s difficult to say what we mean. Sometimes it’s a matter of choosing the correct word, while other times there’s a culture block that doesn’t allow the use of words, or they are just used in a different manner. In Southern California, “dude” may be a friendly greeting; in upper Manhattan it may be derogatory. Where you are at can place a huge impact on how your words are understood.

How does language:

Allow self-reflection?

            Self-reflection is the ability for us to exercise introspection and the desire to learn more about our purpose. It can lead to self exploration and demonstrate great interest of the world around us.

Language allows us to ask questions to one another and get feedback. Do you mind being from East L.A.?  Do you only eat oriental food? Is Jesus really a savior? The questions allow us to learn and explore, with words were able to send messages back and forth to get answers, which may even pose more questions.

Organize perceptions?

            Perception is from the Latin word perception or percipio. It is the process of attaining awareness or understanding of the environment by organizing and interpreting sensory information. Our senses stimulate our bodies and allow us to gain more understanding through how we feel. We can use words to try to describe how we feel or what we saw. The sun set beamed with oranges and reds.  These words allow people to try to imagine what you saw and gain a similar experience.

What did you say?

Allow hypothetical thought?

            Mental simulation is hypothetical thought that uses the imagination of possibilities and the exploration of their results. Basically we use our imagination to determine the outcome of an action. If I place my hand on the stove while it’s hot, I will burn my hand. Words allow us to communicate this to our children. It’s more fact, but until our child burns themselves it’s still hypothetical, they base this by your words and how you described the pain. 

(Jonathan ST. B. T. Evans 2012)

References

J.T. Wood, Interpersonal Communication, (2010) Communication and Personal Identity pgs 94-121

Jonathan St. B. T. Evans. Hypothetical Thinking (2012) Dual Processes in Reasoning and Judgment Retrieved from: http://www.cognitivepsychologyarena.com/hypothetical-thinking-9781841696607